Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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