My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Ketchup is God's man juice
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.