***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
