how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.