dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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