just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
