i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
