Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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