There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
