weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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