dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
