So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I would fuck him just for his dog
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