Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
