I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
