god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
