I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
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I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
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She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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