Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
