I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
