Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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