He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
