I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
