Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
