i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
