a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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