i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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