i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
