I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
