i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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