why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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