Do you still have your period?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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