A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
