I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
