So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
not ubering you a puppy
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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