I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
