I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
there is puke in my bra ... again
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