I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
