I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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