She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Randomize
