Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
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How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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