you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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