he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
