community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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