just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
