Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
its liver damage thursday
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
