Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
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It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
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Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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