Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
