My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
