I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
