I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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