I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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