Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
