Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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