My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
