I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I want her autograph on my taint
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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