Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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