Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
