Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
