go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
