before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
