If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
