Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
