Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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