Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
