My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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