Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
