Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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