Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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