Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
